Light

It’s finished, over and done with, completed. At times, I doubted that this moment would ever come, but the epic journey is now behind me. All of that doubt, frustration and uncertainty is behind me. Except that it isn’t.

First, there was emergence. It was time to bring the work into the light, the unforgiving light and to claim it as my own. Look what I have done, examine it and tell me my worth. As with Schroedinger’s box, darkness and uncertainty hold potential. While no-one saw the work, it could be anything. Its quality was unmeasured by external eyes, and mine were too closely entangled to judge.

Now, there is freedom. You must be so happy, people say. You must have a huge weight off your shoulders, feel lighter now. And look what you have accomplished. But it doesn’t work that way, at least not for me. All of those negative feelings were part of me. The weight on my shoulders cannot just be shrugged off and forgotten. I want to cut it away and fly, but I also want to crawl back into my safe, dark space, unconsidered by external minds, without expectations. I want to feel the weight of the familiar burdens that I know how to carry.

The ties that bind me to my safe box must be severed: I know this. I have been curled in its familiar space for too long. But each break hurts and the light that I am inching towards is so bright that I cannot look at it yet.

8 thoughts on “Light”

  1. I really appreciate this – I take it as very autobiographical, but as such it is a beautiful reflection of your state of mind. I feel I understand what you are going through so much better, and all these things I had never considered fit right in.

    It’s interesting that there is no real room in the world to express feelings in this heightened, lyrical way – but when it is done, so much is communicated that would otherwise be missed. Thank you for sharing. :)

    1. Thanks for the comments. I am happy that you appreciated it and it is autobiographical. I wanted to start what is a slightly daunting exercise with a familiar style of writing, so you were either going to get academic discussion or diary-style musings :-)

  2. Lovely! I dig it.
    Lots of nice imagery, and I like the two-way heavy / dark and light / light opposites.

    I’m also reading it as autobiographical, and it feels much more emotional for it, and raises / prods interesting introvert / extrovert questions / thoughts.

    [Sorry about the slash overdose.]

    1. Thanks for the comments. I was fascinated by how many different, and often conflicting, ways light could be interpreted/connotated 😉

      One of my favourite books is The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera, and I have always loved the way he explores the concepts of heaviness and lightness, and plays with their positive and negative associations.

  3. I think the best part about this piece is how a person can relate to it – it’s like finally finding the words to describe the situation you find yourself in. And knowing how to describe it makes it easier to deal with it.

  4. Love the raw bio-idea. I really like the first paragraph – the change in sentence and phrase length and the sudden last sentence to jar really works for me.

    I like the repetition ‘First, there was..’ and ‘Now, there is..’ – the structural repetition is interesting between these paragraphs, perhaps it could have been taken further?

  5. Did someone just finish a thesis? That’s what I got from it, and it felt so very real. Personal is good. “Write what you know”, they say, and this is a nice example of that. That and, is that a childbirth metaphor I’m seeing?

  6. Sorry for the very delayed crit. Am finally getting around to it!

    It’s an interesting autobiographical piece, letting people know what it’s like to hand in that thesis! For me, the best part of it is the imagery in the last paragraph, especially the last sentence. I enjoy the tone as well: reaching towards something but not having gained it yet.

    I also like the mixing of dialogue into bits of summary: “Now, there is freedom. You must be so happy, people say.” Nice!

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