It’s finished, over and done with, completed. At times, I doubted that this moment would ever come, but the epic journey is now behind me. All of that doubt, frustration and uncertainty is behind me. Except that it isn’t.
First, there was emergence. It was time to bring the work into the light, the unforgiving light and to claim it as my own. Look what I have done, examine it and tell me my worth. As with Schroedinger’s box, darkness and uncertainty hold potential. While no-one saw the work, it could be anything. Its quality was unmeasured by external eyes, and mine were too closely entangled to judge.
Now, there is freedom. You must be so happy, people say. You must have a huge weight off your shoulders, feel lighter now. And look what you have accomplished. But it doesn’t work that way, at least not for me. All of those negative feelings were part of me. The weight on my shoulders cannot just be shrugged off and forgotten. I want to cut it away and fly, but I also want to crawl back into my safe, dark space, unconsidered by external minds, without expectations. I want to feel the weight of the familiar burdens that I know how to carry.
The ties that bind me to my safe box must be severed: I know this. I have been curled in its familiar space for too long. But each break hurts and the light that I am inching towards is so bright that I cannot look at it yet.