Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for the opportunity to present to you today.
We call our product Breath.
You will call it amazing.

I think we’re all agreed that, despite their best efforts, the science guys aren’t fixing the air. The newscasts say it gets worse every day. All the white lab coats and clipboards in the world can’t change the fact that going for a walk in the park is, well, no walk in the park.
Can you remember the last time you went outside with anything less than a level 4 helmet on? What the sun and wind felt like on your face?

So, here it is: Breath.
Looks like an egg, doesn’t it? Same oval shape, same compact size, same pale blue sheen.
You simply place it your mouth and wait. The shell of this little guy breaks down on contact with saliva and releases the twelve hundred specially programmed nanobots inside. They swarm your respiratory cavity and anchor themselves around the edges of your mouth and nose. Then, they activate and form a wall of air that lets them capture and sanitise anything you breathe in.
No more bulky helmets, and no more being trapped inside because of the warnings on the vidscreen.

Pardon? Yes, sir, it’s perfectly safe.
No, those charges were dropped.
I hardly think that –
That was proved to be an unrelated condition, on several occasions.

Oh, curfew already?
Thanks for your time.

16 thoughts on “Pitch”

  1. Oh, brilliant! You have excellent voice, and the pitch is indeed perfect. I love it when it turns sinister at the end – touch of the Mitchell and Webb look there with the curfew? Very nice. On second reading, picked up even more little references to things being wrong (blue sheen…. just like an egg!).

    It may work even better with slightly shorter sentences (breaking up long explanations of how the product product works into more exclamatory ones: Put it in you mouth! Wait for it! .. etc. I think that would sound more natural for a salespitch but it is definitely a matter of personal preference.

    Loved the story, awesome.

    1. Thank you! :)

      I was definitely going for post-apocalyptic / Something-Went-Wrong vibes a la that M&W “game show,” but a bit lighter, obviously. I originally had the guy talking to the audience more, and a bit smarmier, but I had to ditch those lines due to space limitations. Also wanted to add more blue-sheen-egg type world-buildy things, but again – no space.

      I was trying for an informercially feel too, so I wanted a conversational tone, rather than the shorter sentences you suggest. I can see shorter ones working well with manic hand gestures, though :). *waves*

  2. Lovely and light – really dig it.

    Like the double usage of minimal humour around phrases like ‘on several occasions’ and ‘curfew, already’. – makes the reading light and easy while communicating lots about the world.

    Cute idea.

    1. Thank you!
      Maybe I can become Funny Story Guy. :)

      I was trying for a bit of The World Is Fooked But We’re Soldering On Anyway kind of vibes. Like the English do / are.
      Also, trying for keeping it kinda funny, even the world / backstory is bleak, bleak, bleak.
      EOTW (end of the world).

  3. Great, man. Satire always works for me. Although I would have thought “Breath®” would work better as a name – too obvious? I noticed the egg’s “pale blue sheen” bit, BTW, well done. I especially liked the outro, from the comedy angle…

    1. Thanks! 😀

      The ® wouldn’t really have come across in the speech, I think.
      An under the breath quick mumble might have, though:
      “We call it Breath allrightsreserved-registeredtrademark.”

      I am pleased with the egg bit :).

  4. Right, I have serious work to avoid, so time for detailed comments. Loved, again, the little touches in the language: repetition of “walk in the park”, “these little guys” – you have an easy, colloquial flow going, and it really works. I might have been tempted to ramp up the marketing monkeyspeak a little, but it would possibly be too much. This is basically a classic dramatic monologue, and the assumed responses in the last few lines are extremely telling. Browning also ran.

    I also really like the fact that this is deceptively light: it’s actually black humour, there’s serious commentary here on environment and on corporate irresponsibility, but it’s beautifully inherent in the detail.

    Loved this. Thank you!

    1. Yay! Thank you, Doc.

      Re flow: I think it’s a lot like how I speak. Note to self: develop Voice!
      Yeah, I think about more monkeyspeak, especially more character work on the salesperson, but it came off too thick. And too long – 250 words!

      I’m quite happy with the off-camera action. I didn’t want it to be cudgel-y, a la “Please put down that chainsaw. That you are waving around. At me.”

  5. I also really enjoyed the salesman monologue voice. It was great, very entertaining, and revealed so much about the context without actually directly addressing it. Lovely, light and fun to read.

  6. This is a product sales pitch attempting to sell a product for air purification. Everything goes slightly pear-shaped at the end, when the presenter faces some hairy questions.

    The opening sentence reminds me of the Sunscreen Song! 😛

    > You will call it amazing.
    Great line! The opening paragraph definitely reminds me of those American style, over the top, stage presentations that corporate people love giving.

    I enjoyed the sales-pitchyness of the piece! I would have pushed the over-the-topness of the speaker’s mannerism and style, and that of the pitch itself, but this was fun.

    Also, last paragraph: my kind of humour :)

    1. Hairy questions and hairy hecklers, I’d say. (0_0)

      Thanks for the comments, dude! :)
      Stage presentation style-ee was definitely what I was going for.
      Slick, but only until you look a bit closer. And realise how orange their skin is and how scary white their teeth are.

      Re OTTness: yeah. Damn you, short form, and your low word count!
      I think it’s also tricksy to get the balance right between conversational I’m-your-buddy-help-me-out-here and evangelical you-need-this-buy-this-now.

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