Awakening

When I saw her across the room the pulsing music and strobing lights faded into the background. She was cat-lithe and moved with dancer’s grace but it was her eyes that held my attention: indigo with slit scarlet pupils. I had seen eyes like that before.

Since childhood people had disagreed about the colour of my eyes: some said green, others brown. None thought my slit pupils strange and none saw the indigo that I saw in the mirror each morning. By the time I was five I had learnt that no-one wanted to hear the truth and the easiest path was to agree with my adoptive parents who always described them as hazel.

She crossed the dance floor without taking her eyes off me; shoving dancers out of the way carelessly with preternatural strength. Still holding my gaze she dropped to one knee before me and then slowly bowed her head. Her voice was strong and clear, perfectly audible over the thumping music: ‘My lord, long have your servants sought you.’

Then she looked up into my face hesitantly; searching my eyes. ‘Is it as we feared sire? Has all memory of your true nature left you?’

In that moment I remembered everything: the long centuries of my life, the ancient enmities and the fierce pride of my people. I smiled as I shrugged free of this mortal prison.

3 thoughts on “Awakening”

  1. I like the fundamental idea of this fic – the legacy rediscovered. It pleases me that it is not made clear what clan or species he actually belongs to – could be vampires, could be something else, it’s best not to know!

    I like the nightclub setting (although it was very reminiscent of that scene in the Matrix – also a legacy discovered!), and the small signs of the supernatural.

    I would have preferred if the setting and story were a little less predictable – something about hot chick tells you you are a superhero in a smoky nightclub while music is pumping feels a little done.

    I was also slightly jarred by the inclusion of childhood references. On the one hand, it is important information (like he is adopted, and his eyes look weird), on the other hand I would have like to see those words to draw a more updated picture of who the hero is – so I can better appreciate how his life will change just now.

    “…shoving dancers out of the way carelessly with preternatural strength” – I don’t think it needs the “carelessly” – and adverb alert.

    Some punctuation did not sit well with me (and I present my suggestions):

    “When I saw her across the room, the pulsing music…”
    “She was cat-lithe and moved with dancer’s grace; but it was her eyes …”
    “…truth. The easiest path…”
    “Is it as we feared, sire?”

    Thanks for a cool story!

  2. I really enjoyed this. I enjoyed the setting and the sense of destiny that you created. The description of the eyes and their strangeness that no-one else sees is very effective. I love the power that you invested in the woman approaching the narrator – the way she moves through other people like they don’t exist, against the strobing lights and pumping music. The whole description is highly visual.

    I enjoyed the childhood description and imagined that, other than his eyes, the narrator was a fairly ordinary person. I also didn’t have a problem with the setting being overdone – it added to the epic qualities and you described what is a well known fantasy in a fresh way.

    I had one problem with flow. The paragraph beginning: “Then she looked up into my face hesitantly;” felt a bit abrupt after her obeisance. I wanted something indicating some time had passed between the two, to give him time to not react before she expresses her fears.

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