As you sit there in your armchair, in your living room –
As you reach for another Cheese Whizz –
As you breathe deeply the wet-dog-smell of your carpet –
You hear my voice, telling you about the LORD!
Telling you about the LORD and the sacrifices –
The great sacrifices, the powerful sacrifices HE made for you –
The LORD didn’t have any Cheese Whizzes –
He had no Dorritos or Double Butter Popcorn –
The LORD had no armchair, no! His suffering was great!
And as you realise that you are hearing the TRUTH –
As you hear my voice the KNOWLEDGE descends unto you –
Oh yeah, it descends from the Heavens above, it enters you, it is upon you!
Like the Apple upon Adam, like the Scriptures upon Luke and Matthew,
You are filled with HIS WILL!
And as you are filled with HIM, embraced by HIM, completed by HIM,
Yeah and verily, as you feel the carpet under you bare feet
As you place your palms, your blessed palms, on your TV screen –
Right there on the screen, right HERE,
The voice of the LORD enters you and it HEALS you!
As you touch the screen you FEEL HIS power!
And if you were lame, you WALK! And if you were blind, you SEE!
You are MADE WHOLE by HIM!
You are CHOSEN by HIM!
Oh, yes! You are CLAY in the hands of the LORD!
As you are RE-made in his image, you pick up your GUN –
Oh yes, you are indeed the instrument of the LORD –
You pick up your GUN and you call me! Call me on 555-GOD-LOVES-YOU
As you feel the weight of the gun in your hand, as you hear my voice, as you smell that wet-dog-carpet,
You call me,
And your assignment will be given to you.

7 thoughts on “Assignment”

  1. As I was reading I developed this evangelistic voice in my head and then when I got round to the ‘GUN’, I kept thinking of Sarah Palin.

    It was strangely enjoyable to see how mad the voice would get.

  2. You really are indecently good at voice. This is vivid and compelling, and only initially funny – it very quickly becomes freaky as the satirical take-off of the evangelist’s screed undercuts itself with the worrying hypnotic suggestion (“As you breathe deeply the wet-dog-smell of your carpet”, “as you feel the carpet under you bare feet” – although it should probably be “your bare feet”, no?). I love the way the whole thing lurches out of control from a standard evangelical rant to a much nastier Philip K Dick sort of scenario. It’s a testament to the effectiveness of the writing that the gun is not in any way a surprise.

    1. Thank you! I’ve been reading “Tricks of the Mind” by Darren Brown and there is a whole chapter on hypnosis that some of the language was based on. Mwa Ha Ha!

      Also, good spot on the YouR. oops. :)

  3. Enjoyed this – great voice and pacing.

    I found it Ballard / Phillip K Dick like in that it IS creepy and disturbing in ways that are not immediately obvious. The way it is obvious the speaker despises those he is addressing and thinks of them as lesser really works for me – like a over-powering parent instructing a child.

    Initially the capitals annoyed me but I have no better alternative and I see the need to get the sound of the piece right.

    I am glad you chose finance over snake-oil sales in the real world – you’re too dangerous in this voice :)

    Skilled, interesting story – more creepy than fun for me – but intriguing.

    1. Thank you! And as you are sitting by your computer, as you are browsing the internet, as you are reading this comment, you REALISE how AWESOME this story really is.

      Ahem. ;>

  4. I thoroughly enjoyed this in a creepy way. Its very effective, and you get the voice of the evil persuader very well. I love the capitals and the poetic form – they work very well. I had lovely visions of a very fat, lazy person surrounded by mostly eaten food and empty packets and crumbs in their lazyboy, with the cold alien light of a grainy tv spilling over the face and this hypnotic voice coming out.

    No real criticisms – beautifully done.

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