Prowess

I was at Brown’s last night: that place is floating in hot woman. It was like shooting fish in a barrel. You know since I’ve been studying NLP no woman can deny me. Seriously, this stuff works on anyone:  Stand right, speak right, do the anchoring carefully and presto!

I was at Brown’s last night – no don’t look at me like that. Anyway it’s not like I was looking for nice conversation; it was 2am and I was drunk. There were some semi-hot guys and this one dumb-looking blonde guy caught my eye.

As soon as she walked in I knew she was going to be the one to make my fucking night. But I take it easy and just go over and sit nearby. So we chat comfortably about her family and I do the touches and all resistance crumbles.

So this guy comes over but he’s awkward and just sits looking at me until I talk. He’s creepy: he keeps touching the inside of my wrist as he asks me about my dad and other private shit. But I’m drunk and it’s late so I do the thing with my eyes and stick my tits out (no man can resist me when I try) and soon he’s mine.

She was so hot for me she was almost doing me right there in the club. I had her screaming my name a few times back at her place; lucky girl.

I had a dry run with him on the dance floor to see if he was worth taking home but it wasn’t that good in the end anyway. I was too drunk to enjoy it and I hate it when men thank you afterwards.

5 thoughts on “Prowess”

  1. Nice! Well, not nice. Kind of gross. But good!
    The swift switching between the two viewpoints is very effective and the scenario is very well painted.
    I don’t like Brown’s for the place name (sounds too much like a butcher’s / meat market. Wait a minute…). All the dodgy clubs I know have ‘great’ names: Blue Orchid; Ministry of Sound; Springfields.

    I have a couple of minor grammatical-type flow niggles.

    > this stuff works on anyone: Stand right
    stand right?

    > There were some semi-hot guys and this one dumb-looking blonde guy caught my eye.
    I would drop the second guy (TWSS!), seems unnecessary – the context / targets are already established.

    > (no man can resist me when I try)
    All felt like conversation to me, so the brackets jar a tiny bit.

    Overall: ace, man.
    The “I hate it when men thank you afterwards” part of the closing line is great. Tells us a lot about the guy, I think.

  2. Gonna comment further at a later date, but just wanted to say that I like how this is all about different characters interpreting the same event from their own viewpoints, and our understanding of it all as a separate observer. It’s something I really enjoy (and I enjoyed it in this!).

  3. This is a story about a man who practices NLP and is rather overconfident picking up a girl in a bar. The story is told from two viewpoints – his and hers.

    The double viewpoint works great (I really enjoy this technique) and the two voices are very powerful and distinct, and have great personality (and are internally consistent, if that makes sense).

    I had the interesting experience that until I read the “stick my tits out” sentence I thought that the two stories were the internal and external monologue of the same person – a shy gay guy who’s desperately embellishing and lying about his night out to straight mates who don’t know he’s gay. Try it, it works up until that point!

    The question that I have (probably because of this initial interpretation) is whether the main character is actually a prick, or just telling the story to people he’s trying to impress. I guess the former, but again there’s scope for interpretation.

    I ditto the second “guy” comment.

    I was also not sure about the phrase “floating in hot woman”. Woman or women? in or with? Floating or swarming? Something doesn’t quite parse.

    I really enjoyed the overall effect. And it’s spot on theme.

  4. Finally getting down to a crit. I like this: it’s about two people, both going to a bar to pick up another person, both thinking that they’re so much better at it than they likely are. One has the quackary of NLP behind him, the other has her looks. Both of them, in part, misunderstand each other: he thinks he’s winning her over with his abilities, she thinks that “no man can resist” her looks.

    What worked for me was how entrenched these people were in their viewpoints, the world was a particular way for them, and how that painted their interpretation of the world is made quite clear.

    I have some minor typos:
    > You know[,] since I’ve been studying
    > on anyone: [s]tand right
    > Anyway[,] it’s not like I was
    > worth taking home[,] but it wasn’t that good

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