“Hey Louise, look at this. Yeah, a glass eye. You wouldn’t believe it: yesterday this old guy — he must have been in my a shop a while — he walks up to me at the counter. Had this face — shit — left side all scarred and ugly, like a dog’s been at him. Got no left eye at all, just scars and folds and fuck he was grim.

“He says to me, ‘Have you seen my eye?’ Strangest thing I ever been asked. He tells me it just popped out of his head — pop — and rolled right under the shelving. So I help him look and sure enough we can’t find the damn thing. Then the old goat announces an award: one thousand bucks for the eye, honest fucking truth. He comes back later and puts up these reward signs all over the place, to let people know.

“So this morning this other guy comes in. He’s young, in a suite, smells like a bit of money. I see him fiddling by the milk aisle before he walks over and says, ‘I’ve found this glass eye,’ and he asks about the reward signs.

“Now, I can see he doesn’t want to be hassled to return the thing himself, so I tell him I’ll give him a straight 100 for the eye. But the bugger still bargains with me! Cheeky shit. But I got it from him for only 250, can you believe it! Gonna make me three times the money back as soon as I get hold of that one-eyed codger.

“Now the fucker just gotta answer his phone. Gonna try again in a few minutes. Been trying the whole day.